Friday, September 28, 2012

The Nose Flaps Are a' Flappin'

I have an electric toothbrush. It's so much fun! I got it several months ago after a suggestion from my dentist. When I use it I come away feeling so freshly scrubbed and sparkly clean.

tink! (that's the white sparkly highlight as I smile).

The only problem I have with it is that it makes my nose itch. I think it may have something to do with the size of my nose. A normal or small nose just ignores the vibration of the bristles. But when your nose is slightly larger than normal - you know, large enough to act as an umbrella for your feet - that changes the dynamic somewhat. Instead of a pleasant little vibration of the lips and gums from the rattling brush, it sends my nose flaps, my nose bristles and the very tip of my nose waggling like the tail of an excited puppy! And all that movement makes my nose itch! I can't get through a standard 2 minute brushing without stopping to rub at my nose a couple of times. It's very distracting!

But overall, it's a worthwhile investment. I've never felt so sparkly clean! I only hope all that vibration doesn't stretch out my nose parts and leave me with a nose like an old woman's drooping bosom, dangling down my face like a melting candle.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Yorked Up Schmootz

  I often frequent the library. It's a great place to get some books, books on CD or music without having to shell out the money. If I really like it a lot, I'll buy my own copy down the road. Well, I know some people are squeamish about getting things from the library because you never know what they've done with them. I mean, really. What is that brown smudge on page 12? And what caused all the moisture damage to chapter 16? And, is that a hair in between pages 42 and 43? I try not to think about it and rarely have I come across anything disgusting.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

Well, I got out a book on CD. And you would think that the worst you could do to a CD was scratch it up so it didn't work right. I've had that happen before and have missed small chunks of a story. But in this case, it wasn't scratched up. It was rather as if someone had yorked up in the box. Every CD was filmy and covered in some sort of schmootz. Now, I exaggerate - it wasn't lumpy, orange, half chewed schmootz. It was more like it had been dropped into a dirty puddle, but in any case, before using any CD, it had to be wiped clean. I shy away from actually thinking about what happened to these CDs. I'm happier in my ignorance. But if I wanted to speculate:

Barf or other bodily fluids?
A short trip into the toilet?
A swim in a swampy mud puddle?
A set of teething rings, perhaps?
A toddler's place mat?

Needless to say, I tired of cleaning each CD and the story wasn't that entertaining so I returned it unfinished. But I must say, although the story wasn't that exciting or entertaining, the speculation about what happened to it certainly was.


Monday, September 17, 2012

The Importance of Good Dental Hygiene

The other day I almost got bit by a teeny tiny vampire! No, not a mosquito. It was an actual, honest-to-goodness miniature vampire!

What do I mean almost? And how do I know this?

Well, I didn't actually see the vampire - they are very sneaky that way. But I had this pair of bruises on my knee - two tiny little bruises about 5 millimeters apart. That little vampire was so tiny and its teeth so weak that it didn't have the strength to break the skin and left only those bruises. Thank goodness! Imagine what would have happened if that vampire practiced good dental hygiene! It would have broken the skin and where would I be now? In mortal peril I'm sure.

So boys and girls, make sure you brush regularly.

And try not to feel sympathy for the poor starving vampire.


Friday, September 14, 2012

Step Away From the Strelephant!

You know how when you don't quite catch the words to a song you tend to make up your own words so you can sing along? I think we all do that.

But to change the subject, years ago I got some swag from a vendor at work. They sent me a gift so I would never forget them. It's an elephant. Get it? Elephants never forget, and all that. Well, this was a nice little squishy elephant that I could squeeze when I was stressed out. It had the company logo on the side and best of all it came in a tube. Now, on the outside it looked like a plain black cylindrical tube about 4 inches or so diameter. Nothing extraordinary. But . . . when this mundane, every-day tube was opened, letting the daylight shine into the darkened interior, the loud trumpeting of an elephant racing across the plains of Africa would ring out, startling even the most stoic of office workers. It was great!

I of course took it home to amaze and amuse the children. It worked wonderfully once they got over their fear that a raging beast would tear out of the tube and stampede them into the rug.

We had that thing for years until recently the battery died. I could probably have figured out how to change it, but that was too much work so we said our goodbyes and waved as the garbage truck carried the tube off down the street.

But, even though the tube moved onto greener pastures, the stess elephant stays with us. It's been adopted by the ducklings and has taken on the moniker 'Strelephant'. (Stress + Elephant = Strelephant) We are all very fond of Strelephant.

Now, to circle back, you know that song by Five Finger Death Punch about the elephant? You know, it goes like this:

Step away from the elephant,
I'm coming down.

What do you mean it's not 'elephant', but 'edge'? That can't be?!?

OK, I knew the right words, but I caught one of the ducklings singing 'Step away from the elephant . . .' the other day and it stuck. We started to sing it that way. And even better, we've upgraded it to 'Step away from the Strelephant". So now that song will never be quite the same. Whenever I hear it on the radio I have to pause and think, 'wait a minute, he just sang the wrong words. Oh, wait.'

Oh Strelephant, we love you so!