Holding the Cat Down for Some Petting

So, even thought I hate to admit it, I sometimes dip into that strange and murky world of
'girliness'. And by that I mean, I paint my nails. I actually paint my nails pretty frequently. It's one of those things that, for some crazy reason, I've been doing a lot of over the last several months. (Come to think of it, I've been painting my nails more since I started BJJ. I think it's a subconscious need to balance the testosterone-fueled BJJ practice with something a little more feminine. I often eat tea and biscuits as I polish my nails too.)

But anyway, the other day I painted them a shiny, purplish-bluish color. It's a nice color, but there were a few problems with it:

1. Sweet Pea said, "I'm not used to you being so " - and I can't remember the word she used, but it was something along the lines of 'cool', or 'youthful', or 'fun'. "You're Mom. You're supposed to wear pinks and reds."
2. This wasn't a subtle purplish-bluish. It was in-your-face purplish-bluish. And despite what you think you know about me, I am anything but in-your-face.
3. My nails are the most crooked, uneven, short, funny little nails you've ever seen. Drawing attention to them with a screaming purplish-bluish polish seemed somehow wrong.
4. While the hubster is all into Zombies and Walking Dead, I'm really not, so having dead-blue nails just looked a little creepy.

So, what did I do? That's right. I put a couple of coats of sparkly gold on top to try to tone it down. Yes, you read that right. I tried to tone it down with sparkly gold. But really, it was a subtle sparkly gold. So subtle it did nothing except add a little sparkle to already dazzling purple.

So, why didn't I just take it off, you ask? Well, that would be too easy.

So, instead, I then decided a nice opal pink would tone it down. So I added three (yes three) coats of pink opal polish to the top. Now, at this point we have two coats of purple, two gold and three pink. That's a total of 7 coats. Seven being a lucky number of course. But lucky in the sense that the color was now perfect? The ideal hue to compliment my winter-washed-out complexion? Not really. The color was now a strange light grayish. Not a bad gray for these wintery months, but definitely gray. Rather, it was lucky in the sense that now since I have 7 coats of polish, my fingernails are about an inch thick and weigh about 2 pounds each. That makes things like kneading bread and holding the cat down for petting much easier. And my shoulders and biceps are getting an awesome workout.

I think I may use 10 coats next time.

Quack!

Do Something Dastardly

The other day in BJJ class (yes, I'm still going. I know, I haven't blogged about it lately, but you're OK
with that, right? I thought so.) as I was doing some drills with Sweet Pea I reminded her to hold my arm tight so I couldn't get it free and 'do something dastardly'.

Well, she thought was great! Dastardly! An awesome word. She giggled for the next 15 minutes.

Hee hee hee dastardly. Dastardly! Ha ha ha hee hee hee.

It is quite a word, isn't it? Brings to mind images of villians with black hats, long curly moustaches and evil eye twinkles.

Indeed - hold onto that arm. Let's not let anyone get up to anything dastardly.


Quack!

no no no no no not that not that!

  From what I've seen online, and in the dojo, most people who are rolling in bjj are relatively silent. There is a lot of panting, a bit of grunting, some heavy breathing, loads of sweating. You know, the typical sounds for someone who is working real hard, using their muscles, etc. Pretty typical. But I am amazed and amused by the sounds the hubby and I make while rolling.

Here are some examples of things you may hear us utter - some are pretty standard terms, others, well, not so much. It's our own bjj lingo:

tap  :   verb
     1. My hands are trapped in some terribly unfortunate position and I can't get them free to tap
     2. You won - now back off

chest  :  noun
    1. You are crushing my chest and I can't breath. Let up a little.

oooof  :  onomatopoeia
     1. You have just crushed me and I don't have enough breath left to say 'chest'.

whOOoo  oooooo  :  onomatopoeia
      1. You have just twisted me into a pretzel and I have no hope of escape. This is often followed by 'tap'.

shit  :  expletive
      1. You have gotten me into a choke. Again.
      2. I am trapped and utterly helpless. Again.

no no no no no not that not that  :  revelation
      1. I am about to be twisted into a pretzel or some other unfortunate position like back control and will twist my own self into a pretzel to try to avoid it.

uberhootentrout  :  nonesense 
     1. the universal release word, similar to 'tap' in that it means 'let me go now!', but different in that no one can remember that word when it's needed most.

You should try bjj. It's fun. Really.

Quack!

Now All She Needs is a Gazelle

   I don't think I have ever moved so much furniture in such a short amount of time.
I don't believe I had that much crap in my bedroom.
I don't believe I managed to stuff so much crap into the spare/computer room.
I didn't think it was possible to stack furniture so expertly.
I don't believe how bare and clean my bedroom is now.

What am I talking about? Well, I have a nice big bedroom with a high ceiling. It now contains a bed, a dresser and a set of shelves. Period. All jammed into the far end. The rest of it is just open space. A huge, empty, yawning space.

A savannah.

A wasteland.

A desert.

A dojo.

Yes. Our very own (small) dojo. Hubby can practice his Iaido, we can practice our katas, we can do our bjj rolling. It's tight - we crash into the walls sometimes, but if we're careful, oh so very careful, we can make use of this space.

We actually considered moving the bed into the closet to make a little bit more space, but that seemed a bit extreme. And by extreme, I mean, more extreme than the craziness we already just did.

But we can always move it back if we decide we made a bad decision or if we end up not using it. And in the process I managed to throw out a lot of old crap that we should have gotten rid of long ago. If nothing else it was good exercise.

And the cat loves the open space. Whenever she gets a chance she sneaks in (it's a forbidden room for kitties) and sprawls out in the middle of the open space, no doubt imagining herself a lion on the savannah. Now all she needs is a gazelle.

Quack!

Sweating, Panting, Struggling, Shifting, Swearing, Pushing and a Tiny Bit of Actual BJJ

So, how is BJJ going, you ask? It's going very well, thank you very much. In case you don't know (and there's no reason you would, and even I didn't know until about a week ago), 'rolling' is what they call it when you grapple/wrestle/roll around with your partner and try to sweep them, or get them in an arm lock, or a leg lock or a submission while trying to avoid getting yourself caught in one of those situations.

As the hubby and I practice our moves and get slightly better at a few of them, a couple of our practice sessions have ended up with us rolling - much like when the gerbils got into a fight - teeth and nails and fur flying, rolling bodies with no obvious winner, lots of swearing (mostly from me), lots of sweating, panting, struggling, shifting and pushing and a tiny little bit of actual BJJ.

Every once in a while I find myself grabbing a leg the right way, or getting my arms just right, then drawing a complete blank on what comes next.

Here's some of last night's conversation (if 'conversation' is what you can call those grunting, panting phrases uttered between my curses):

Me: Oh, wait, wait, don't move. I know he told us how to get out of this one. I need to think.

Me, trapped under the full weight of the hubby with little ability to move at all, let alone breath: Oh crap! He never told us how to deal with this one. (I'm suspecting it's because I never should have let myself get in that situation in the first place.)

Hubby: Whoa! Watch that knee! (That knee was too close for comfort!)

But the good news is, when I'm rolling I do remember some of it and see glimmers of hope that I may get better at it. I also recognize when I've completely screwed up, often just before that final moment when I'm stuck. It makes me hopeful that one day I'll be able to do something about it before it's too late.

There's something to be said for actually getting something to work though. Every once in a while I end up doing something right and get the hubby in an arm lock, or almost manage to sweep him, or I end up on top. Whoo hoo! Ha! Gotcha! Then of course, the tables turn again. But every little victory is awesome!
 
Quack!

Byzantium Jujubes or BJJ

So, I attended a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu seminar recently. (I may have spelled it wrong in the post title). I was somewhat hesitant to do so, but hey, learning how to defend yourself in all sorts of terrible situations is never a bad thing to learn. But still, I was hesitant. My reluctance was not alleviated when I stepped onto the workout floor with upwards of 20 large, burly, hairy, heavily-muscled men. I was somewhat soothed by the presence of two women - neither of whom was particularly burly and a handful of teens/tweens and of course, my hubby - who is a large, burly, hairy, heavily-muscled man, but he's MY large, burly, hairy, heavily-muscled man, which is very different than a large, burly, hairy, heavily-muscled man that I don't know.

If this was like the last seminar I attended, I knew we would be switching partners and I wouldn't have the luxury of only man-handling and being man-handled by, my husband. Fortunately, that wasn't the case and the hubby and I were partners for the entire class. (However, I would imagine that if I were to continue studying BJJ I would have to occasionally work with a different partner. Which I am sure would be OK and I'm sure I would get used to it, but there you go.)

In any case, the class went well. I'm not a touchy-feely type person. I usually shy away from physical contact with strangers, acquaintances and those I don't know really really well. My kids and husband get lots of hugs, pats, tickles, bumps, shoves, etc, but other than them, most people are not subject to my touch. But if you are into BJJ, well, physical contact is required. It's not like sparring where you attempt to maintain a safe distance - just close enough to kick someone in the head, or punch them in the gut, then get out. This is a much closer sport - like mashing chests together, wrapping arms around necks and using shoulders to push faces out of the way. it's about 'mounting' or straddling your partner and having them do the same to you. It's wrapping legs around each other and getting very very very close, much like being in a pit of snakes. Sometimes it's hard to tell whose legs are whose - even when some of them are your own.

And while it's all for the sake of learning to defend yourself (or for sport for those interested in that aspect) all that contact with strangers can be somewhat overwhelming. Being a girl I don't have much experience with wrestling despite the fact that I was always a tomboy and grew up with 4 older brothers (and a girly sister :). But all that aside, it was a success and I enjoyed myself. I learned a lot and would like to learn more. I guess only time will tell how far I go with this.

Quack!