The Hootie Fiasco

It's spring and every spring we have a few weeks where the ants come into the house to explore. We get the little tiny ones that check out the sink, the counters and the dishwasher and the bigger black ones that just wander through the entire house looking for whatever it is that those ants look for. After a few weeks they mostly go away. But I don't like bugs. Ants aren't the worst thing we could have wandering around, but they do have 6 legs so I prefer they stay outside.

So, there I am, working diligently on my computer when out of the corner of my eye I see movement. Movement of the bug variety. It's an ant. On the wall. In my computer room! Ugh! So I grab a very large boot and smash it. It falls down behind the desk. I'm satisfied. I get back to work.

I should also mention that I have a small collection of stuffed owls. Not, like, taxidermy stuffed, but plush toys. I have 4 identical Hooties sitting on a shelf. For whatever reason, I glanced at the Hooties and what did I see? An ant! Walking across Hootie 1's beak! Ugh! I can only assume that my awesome, spectacular, panicked boot-smash was less than effective. That the ant I 'smashed' simply tripped and fell behind the desk, then promptly brushed off his mandibles and got back to exploring, no doubt cursing the whole time.

Anyway, so there's this ant walking across Hootie! I very carefully picked Hootie up by a wing and quick as an owl in flight, I ran to the bathroom and shook him vigorously over the toilet in an attempt to dislodge the ant who was circling Hootie, probably looking for my fingers so he could climb up my arm.

Then, no surprise here, I lost my grip on Hootie and he tumbled into the toilet, ant and all.

Nooooooooo! Hoooootieeeee!

Hootie rolled once or twice and managed to dislodge the ant. I snatched Hootie up by the talon, leaving the ant behind. I quickly flushed the ant away, breathing a sigh of relief that it was gone and that Hootie was out of harms way - a bit damp, slightly wide eyed, but just fine.

Damn ants!

Quack!

You Have Arrived!

So, I was taking Sweet Pea to a trumpet lesson. It was the first lesson with a new instructor and I wasn't entirely sure where I was going. After driving around in a dark, rainy neighborhood with winding streets for several minutes I finally pulled over and turned on my phone and brought up my GPS. It took several minutes to load and connect. Then it took several minutes to enter my destination. Finally, everything was ready and this is what I hear:

"You have arrived!"

What?!?! My GPS guide sounded very confident and pleased with herself but I was pretty sure I wasn't there yet. It turned out I was about 3 houses away. Close, but not quite there. What tipped us off to the correct house was the person leaving the house and walking down the driveway with a trumpet in their hands. Thank god their lesson ended when it did! You have arrived indeed!

Quack!

The Faceless Man

So I was watching the Super Bowl and there was a shot of the audience and there was this man with sunglasses on, sitting in the bleachers. I did a double take. The man had no face! Below the sunglasses was just blank flesh - no nose, no mouth. It was very disconcerting - like something from a bad horror movie. I was terrified.

But then he raised his head and I saw that he did indeed have features - eyes, a  nose, a mouth. It was all there in the right places. The only thing missing was the hair. He was bald, and had pushed his sunglasses on top of his head, then had looked down at something. So the overall effect was surreal.

I had the hubby rewind it several times and we all agreed that he looked faceless. Ah, good times!

Quack!

Holy Over-Caffeination Batman!

Every once in a while I have a large cup of full test coffee. And EVERY TIME I regret it. It's not so much the overwhelming need to get up, run around and do jumping jacks and pushups. It's not the talking non-stop - so much that my flapping lips send papers flying where ever I go. It's not even the mad swirl of thoughts and ideas in my head, like bats on a windy night. What I most find disturbing is that time actually slows down at these times and everyone around me moves in slow motion. Come on slackers! Get moving! Out of my way! I've got things to do!!

Quack!

A Very Large Bowl - Big Enough to Bathe In

Remember this post about our chocolate fountain? Our sweet, tasty, delicious, fountain of the gods? Well, after only about four uses, it went belly up. The darn thing just stopped spouting chocolate. Oh, it hummed and it whirred and sounded impressive, but the twirler that sucks the chocolate to the top and rains it down into the warmed bowl just stopped twirling, like a ballerina caught in a time freeze. It was like something out of Black Swan or the Avengers or something. Everyone got silent and just stared at the non-fountaining fountain, expecting the luscious brown liquid to commence it's downward drizzle, but it was over. It was done. The fountain was dead.

So I removed the fountain part and we all just dug in with our hands. Well, we used it to dip things in instead. You know, things like crackers and fruit, krispie treats, our fingers, our tongues.

Then after the party I took it apart, said a few kinds words, licked off a few stray smears of chocolate and tossed 'er in the trash! So long fountain!

I guess now we'll just have to stick to dipping in a bowl of melted chocolate. A very very large bowl big enough to bathe in sounds about right.



Quack!

Secret Love of Coffee Mugs

Secretly, deep down inside, I think my new-found love of coffee these last few years may be due in part to a love of coffee mugs. They're so colorful, arty, ceramic-ey, cute and fun. It's hard not to pick up new ones when I see so many cool ones out there. Here are a few of my favorites:

Quack!

Love Sticks in the Woods

On a recent trip to a local park we saw some love sticks. What?? Yes, love sticks. Like this:

I thought it was so sweet I just had to take a picture! The family thought I was crazy for taking a picture of it since I have no idea who these people are. But hey, it's the idea people! Isn't it sweet and romantic?

Quack!

It's Wooly Bear Season

  Don't you just love wooly bear caterpillar season? Me too! I've seen quite a few so far this year.

The other day while I was at Dunkin' Donuts getting myself several donuts some coffee, I ran into one crossing the sidewalk. I think he wanted some coffee but I'm not sure. In any case, the ducklings and I took him for a little ride. We didn't think he was safe on the rowdy sidewalks of Dunkin' Donuts, so we drove him over to the mall and let him go in some nice big fluffy bushes. He seemed very happy.

Then I ran into another in the backyard. He was strolling across the grass, all fuzzy and cute. I brought him in the house for a short visit with the ducklings, then let him go in the willow tree. He really took off up the trunk! He was a caterpillar on a mission!

And of course I've seen plenty crossing the road. Just the other day Sweet Pea and I were driving along the highway and I said, "Oh no! I hope I didn't run him over?"

"Who?" asked Sweet Pea, looking at me quizzically.
"The wooly bear caterpillar. Didn't you see him?"

I think she thought I was crazy. Who sees caterpillars crossing the road when you're going 70 mph?

I do, that's who! I hope I didn't squish him!

Quack!

And Time Slowed Down

So there I was, just sitting on the living room floor, minding my own business. I was surrounded by my recipe binders as I struggled to reorganize them. The cookie and dessert recipes were taking over and had busted out of their existing binders so it was time to do a bit of cleanup. But that's not what this long-winded, boring tale is about. It's about the the feathery-legged, squirming, skittering critter that appeared from under the couch and made a mad dash right toward me.

I was in no condition to move quickly. I was surrounded by recipes. I was sitting on the floor, legs splayed out awkwardly, recipes balanced on my shins and thighs. But even though I was in no condition to move quickly, the adrenaline must have kicked in because I did move quickly, perhaps  more quickly than I have ever moved in my life. I leapt to my feet in a single graceful movement, recipes flying around me like butterflies, or like blood geysers in a slow-motion Quentin Tarrantino scene. I danced across the carpet as the critter advanced, still making a beeline for me despite the flailing limbs and shrieking.

The entire world slowed down. The recipes continued their slow upward and outward flight. The hubby rose from his chair like a satiated lion slowly rising its head from the grasses of an African savannah to watch a passing gazelle. My hand slowly moved outward, pointing to the critter that now seemed to be advancing like a snail across the carpet in a world slowed down.

I pulled my foot back as if moving through molasses and the critter oozed over the vacant footprint where my foot has been moments before, carpet fibers still springing back as it crossed the depression.

I landed across the room in a crouch, knees bending to take the impact, arms outspread,every nerve tingling as if covered in thousands of centipedes. And as I landed, all at once the recipes fluttered to the rug, the hubby turned his head, the critter skittered beneath the couch and my shrieks echoed and reverberated off the walls, fading into silence. It was gone. Beneath the couch. There would be no finding it now.

But I'm sure it will show its face, and its legs again. When I least expect it I'm sure

.

Quack!

Bugus Cute-icus

The other day on the deck I ran across the coolest bug ever! And I'm not really a big fan of bugs. They usually have too many legs or too many wings or both. And they often like to fly in your hair, eyes, ears or mouth. And if they aren't doing that, they are dangling on strings in front of you as you try to shower, watch tv or bake. Very disconcerting!

But this particular bug was of the genus/family/species (hey, don't make me go to wikipedia to look up the scientific stuff - you know what I mean!) bugus cute-icus. The same family as ladybugs. This one was gold and black - the royalty of the ladybug family. He was like a tiny royal punch-buggy for a queen. He was very regal and poised, all rounded and gilded and shiny. He let me take his picture. I tried to pick him up, but after trying to pull his clinging feet up for a minute I got all oogied out - I just knew he would stick to me the same way. Even cute bugs are much less cute when they are stuck to your face!

So I settled for a nice photo and then went back to whatever I had been doing.

Quack!

The Aloe Is Taking Over

I have an aloe plant in the other room. Usually, other than weekly watering, I ignore it. However, for the last several months I noticed it had rather overgrown its pot. Well, the weather is finally conducive to repotting outside, so I decided it was time to give it more space.

Well, it wasn't waiting. It had apparently decided it was going off on its own. That thing was spilled over the side of the pot and halfway across the table. All green and spiky and looking for space. I managed to wrestle it outside and get it out of the existing pot. Now it's in a new pot and seems very happy. And the 20 or so chunks that fell off are in water, waiting for their own pots. This is the kind of plant I like, ones that like to be ignored.

Anyone want some aloe plants?

Quack!

Bugmuda Triangle

So, while all the backsplashing was going on I had the power cut to the kitchen outlets. For many years we've had a night light in the kitchen - one of those that automatically goes on when it gets dark. And for many years we've had a small pile of insects under said nightlight.

I cleaned them up of course, but there was always another one - some poor little buggy that tried to get friendly with the light and roasted himself. Bugs aren't particularly bright.

But Sunday morning I was in the kitchen. The power to the outlet was still off and the nightlight wasn't even plugged in. And yet, there was still a tiny little insect on the counter under the outlet - all six legs sticking straight up.

To think, all these years I thought it was the nightlight! And come to find out there is a tiny bermuda triangle right there on my counter. An insect graveyard. A cursed-for-insects twilight zone. Who knew?

Quack!

Splish Splash Backsplash

I'm back. It's only been a month and a half. Stop complaining.

Moving on . . .

The backsplash is done. Almost a year ago I bought the tile, then for the last month 2 months 3 months OK! OK! For the last 6 months at least I've had the tiles laid out, marked for cutting, ready to go. For 6 months I've been trying to ignore my carefully laid out tiles. It wasn't too hard because they were out of the way for the most part. But the kitchen wall wouldn't stop nagging me. I tore the old backsplash linoleum off the walls 8 months ago and it wouldn't let me forget that it was still sitting there, all ragged and naked and pathetic.

So last weekend I finally broke out the wet saw, fired it up and in a single very wet, hot, noisy weekend, I cut all the tiles. The cat really enjoyed it - all her favorites - noise, water, heat. Ok, so the cat cowered in the basement while I worked. Come to think of it, the entire family was pretty scarce that day. But anyway, the cutting was done. Which meant the tiles were now not only laid out like they had been for the last 6 months, but now they were laid out in the middle of the floor - yes, the middle. Right in the way. So now I had no choice but to finish the job.

So, this past weekend I got to work. Saturday was a long day of mixing mastic, slathering it on the wall, on the tiles and on myself, sticking tiles and tile bits into the sludge, cutting and re-cutting tiles that weren't quite the right size and cleaning up my many, many, many messes. There was a little bit of cursing, some lost snacks, some takeout (we can't very well cook or prepare anything in the kitchen when it's covered in plastic, toxic dust, sludgy gunk and bits of tile!). But finally it was done.

Then Sunday was another long day of mixing grout, slathering it on the tiles and myself and trying not to stick myself to things. And of course the grout involved lots and lots and lots of wiping the tiles and wiping them and wiping them and wiping them.

And then, once the tiles were done it was hour after hour after hour of cleaning. Cleaning up grout and bits of mastic, plastic and dust and grime and slime. Cleaning the saw and the buckets and the tools and clothes and the floor and the counters. The cleaning up took longer than the actual work.

But overall it was very successful. There was only one 'oh crap!' moment where I realized my measurements were slightly off and I had to quickly reposition some stuff. And only a few minor things that will drive me crazy for the rest of the life of the kitchen - a slightly uneven edge on one side, a couple of missing bits in one spot and a few tiles that stick out a bit farther than the rest. But even though it's not perfect, it's done. And that's all that counts! And besides, once we get the microwave, coffee maker, bread machine, breadbox, toaster oven and other assorted crap back in place, you won't be able to see any of it anyway.  And by doing it myself I saved $600-$1000 bucks. Not a bad deal for a weekend of work.

And I even managed to fit in a few bikes rides, some meals, grocery shopping, snuggling, plant re-potting and a bit of sleeping.

I'm exhausted!

Quack!

You Can Tell It's Spring When the Dolphins Return

  The other morning I had the front door open and heard one of the sure signs that spring is coming. I heard the happy ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah of the returning dolphins. And then, as soon as I heard that I was very confused. Probably as confused as you are reading this. (What the heck is that woman talking about?!?) Dolphins? What about robins?

Then I realized it wasn't dolphins. It was just some seagulls on the neighbor's roof. For whatever reason they were speaking dolphin.

Now I'm just waiting for the robins to show their little feathered faces.

Quack!

Maybe I Could Crochet a Backsplash

 I am such a slacker! For 7 months now I've been meaning to tile my kitchen backsplash. But have I done it yet? Nooooo!

 

I mean, it's not like I'm busy with work, family, housework, crocheting, artiness, baking, crafting, homework-helping, paying bills, checking email, grocery shopping, etc, etc, etc, right? OK, so that takes up some time, but what the heck?!? I've got at least 5 minutes to spare each day! Maybe even 6. So what is taking me so long?

I know, you don't really care. But I do! It's driving me crazy that I haven't done it yet! And by driving me crazy I mean, "When I actually have time to take a breath and look at the kitchen I say 'what the - why do the walls look like that??'"

But really, it's not that I haven't made any progress. I did get everything all measured out. I marked each tile where it needs to be cut, then set them aside and ran screaming from the room. I also cut and painted a piece of molding, screwed it into the wall above the stove and added hooks for the measuring cups so they can hang above the stove again like they used to.

It may not sound like much, but it took more time than it sounds like (probably more time than it should have). My next task is to actually get my butt in gear and cut those tile! Cut 'em girl! You can do it! One of these days I will. Really!

Or maybe I could just crochet a backsplash!

Quack!

It May Have to Last For 25 Years

  It's time to renew my driver's license. It has to happen occasionally and it's not usually a big deal, but this time I decided I'm going to actually go to the DMV and get a new picture. I've been embarrased the last 200 or so times I had to pull the thing out because the picture is so absolutely, crazily, ridiculous.

 

It's my original picture taken when I was 17 - that's like 25 years ago! I look like a complete and utter dork. It's not like my eyes are crossed, or my finger is up my nose, or my tongue is hanging out, but I have on these big old '80 eye glasses and my hair is short. Super short. I haven't worn glasses in 5 years and wore contacts for many years before that. And my hair hasn't been short in about 17 years. It barely even looks like me.

 

So, I'm going to take the plunge. I only hope that the picture looks decent because it may just last me for the next 25 years.

Quack!

Cricket, cricket . . .

 Cricket, cricket . . .




Quack!

Some Days It's Better Than Others.

You know, I never really enjoyed or drank coffee until the last few years. I always preferred cocoa or nothing when I wanted a warm drink. But these last few years I've embraced coffee like a long lost friend.

And although I enjoy a cup just about every day, in a perfect world where calories didn't count, I would still be loyal to cocoa. There's nothing better than a cup of chocolatey, creamy, hot cocoa! But since calories do count, and I can have a cup of coffee with cream and sugar for 100 calories or less (versus 200 or more for (decent) cocoa), I stick to coffee most of the time. And most of the time it's very tasty.

But every once in a while, as I'm drinking my daily cup at work, I grimace, finish the bitter concoction in one big swallow and rush for the breath mints. Some days it's better than others. 

Quack!

Red Squirrels and Blue Ones and Green Ones . . .

We have several squirrels that routinely visit the bird feeder. I'm not sure exactly how many since they all look exactly alike, but it's a bunch. And when I say they all look exactly alike I'm exaggerating somewhat. We've got Rusty - he's the one with the rusty color fur across his back and in his arm pits. And then there's Buffy. He has the ears with the buff colored backs.

But wait, Rusty also has buff ear-backs. And so does that one. And that one.

And, is that Rusty? Or does Rusty have more red fur?

Needless to say, the other squirrel is named Randy. Randy as in 'Random Squirrel that is indistinguishable from every other squirrel'. 'Randy' really refers to all squirrels.

So, if we have one squirrel at the feeder, it can certainly be Rusty, because there is no one else to compare him to. But as soon as another squirrel shows up, guaranteed to be one with buff ear-backs and plenty of rust-colored fur, then suddenly we have Randy1 and Randy2.

But that doesn't stop us from debating endlessly as to whether the visiting squirrels are really Randy, or if one
is Rusty, or Buffy.

If only I could apply fur dye's from 20 feet away! They I'd be able to tell them apart.

Quack!

Who Got The Better End of This Deal?

The other morning after my shower I reached over to the tissue box and innocently pulled out a tissue. Sounds like a nice simple everyday task, doesn't it?

Well, from said tissue dropped a critter with many legs. I swore. He stared up at me from the sink, all 8 legs poised for action and all 8 eyes trained on me. I was thinking fast and covered him with an overturned cup, then turned and ran.

The hubster, hearing my swearing, got out of bed. (He's awesome like that. Some people, upon hearing their wife swear, would feign sleep, or run screaming from the room. But not the hubby - he comes to my rescue even if may mean that he ends up being the one who needs rescuing).

But anyway, I left. I politely asked him to dispose of the many legged critter in the sink. I would  much rather deal with attempting to raise my almost-teen daughter from bed to get ready for school.

Wait a minute! Who got the better end of this deal anyway?

Quack!