The Hootie Fiasco

It's spring and every spring we have a few weeks where the ants come into the house to explore. We get the little tiny ones that check out the sink, the counters and the dishwasher and the bigger black ones that just wander through the entire house looking for whatever it is that those ants look for. After a few weeks they mostly go away. But I don't like bugs. Ants aren't the worst thing we could have wandering around, but they do have 6 legs so I prefer they stay outside.

So, there I am, working diligently on my computer when out of the corner of my eye I see movement. Movement of the bug variety. It's an ant. On the wall. In my computer room! Ugh! So I grab a very large boot and smash it. It falls down behind the desk. I'm satisfied. I get back to work.

I should also mention that I have a small collection of stuffed owls. Not, like, taxidermy stuffed, but plush toys. I have 4 identical Hooties sitting on a shelf. For whatever reason, I glanced at the Hooties and what did I see? An ant! Walking across Hootie 1's beak! Ugh! I can only assume that my awesome, spectacular, panicked boot-smash was less than effective. That the ant I 'smashed' simply tripped and fell behind the desk, then promptly brushed off his mandibles and got back to exploring, no doubt cursing the whole time.

Anyway, so there's this ant walking across Hootie! I very carefully picked Hootie up by a wing and quick as an owl in flight, I ran to the bathroom and shook him vigorously over the toilet in an attempt to dislodge the ant who was circling Hootie, probably looking for my fingers so he could climb up my arm.

Then, no surprise here, I lost my grip on Hootie and he tumbled into the toilet, ant and all.

Nooooooooo! Hoooootieeeee!

Hootie rolled once or twice and managed to dislodge the ant. I snatched Hootie up by the talon, leaving the ant behind. I quickly flushed the ant away, breathing a sigh of relief that it was gone and that Hootie was out of harms way - a bit damp, slightly wide eyed, but just fine.

Damn ants!

Quack!

The Faceless Man

So I was watching the Super Bowl and there was a shot of the audience and there was this man with sunglasses on, sitting in the bleachers. I did a double take. The man had no face! Below the sunglasses was just blank flesh - no nose, no mouth. It was very disconcerting - like something from a bad horror movie. I was terrified.

But then he raised his head and I saw that he did indeed have features - eyes, a  nose, a mouth. It was all there in the right places. The only thing missing was the hair. He was bald, and had pushed his sunglasses on top of his head, then had looked down at something. So the overall effect was surreal.

I had the hubby rewind it several times and we all agreed that he looked faceless. Ah, good times!

Quack!

Bundercorn or Uni-Bun?

And while we're on the topic of Bunderfluff, I will bore you with one more rabbit-related post.

When we first got Bunderfluff from the State Fair we suspected he had had a hair cut - a little trimming of the head fur to make him show-worthy. And yes, our suspicions have been confirmed. Now that his hair has grown out we discovered that he has quite a spectacular and entertaining fuzz-horn:

Normally it doesn't stick straight up like this but I think it would be neglectful to not style it and take photos. Now we just need to get out the hair fur gel.

And we still haven't decided if he's a uni-bun, or a Bundercorn.

Quack!

Holy Over-Caffeination Batman!

Every once in a while I have a large cup of full test coffee. And EVERY TIME I regret it. It's not so much the overwhelming need to get up, run around and do jumping jacks and pushups. It's not the talking non-stop - so much that my flapping lips send papers flying where ever I go. It's not even the mad swirl of thoughts and ideas in my head, like bats on a windy night. What I most find disturbing is that time actually slows down at these times and everyone around me moves in slow motion. Come on slackers! Get moving! Out of my way! I've got things to do!!

Quack!

A Disruption in the Space-Time Continuum

So I was working in the kitchen the other day and found a nicely dried out wishbone. I called Snickers over and he carefully studied it and chose a side.

"Wait, wait! I need to think of a wish!"

So I waited. Then he went on to complain about how he never won these things. Ever.

So I made my wish and we pulled.

And then ...

Kerblam!

      Kerpow!

The thing exploded!

There were bits of bone scattered across the floor, tinking into the sink, plinking onto the window, scuttling across the counters and stove and over our exposed skin. It was a like chicken-bone bomb!

The dust settled and we checked to see if by any chance one of us had won. But of course not, there was nothing left but bone dust and a couple of spikey nubs.

So, we cleaned up the bone bits that the cat was trying to eat and thought it through. What happened? What did we do wrong? 

Then we figured it out. The universe did not want to grant Snicker's wish. But my wish was that Snickers win this time. So there was no other possible outcome. We upset the space-time continuum and the bone had no other chose but to explode under the pressure.


Quack!

Hobbit Vest

As I was leaving for work the other day Snickers came to say goodbye with a hug. But as he approached he stopped, looked me up and down and said, "Mom, I like your hobbit vest!"

Hmmm. Hobbit vest huh? OK

It was a moss green corduroy fitted jacket. And 'hobbit vest' is a surprisingly fitting description. It's not a 'vest' per se, but is very reminiscent of Bilbo's vest. And since he said that, I spent all day craving second breakfast, elevensies and feeling in my pocket for a ring of power. There were definite times during the day when a ring of invisibility would have been most useful!

"Hey, where did that ginormous duck woman in the green hobbit vest go? We need her to do this incredibly complex task. I could swear she was just sitting there!" 
Quack!

Mickey Moss and his Moss Buns

We recently visited a local park and saw a few cool things. Here's one of them. It's Mickey Moss!

Which reminded me of another moss picture that I don't believe I posted. It's moss buns!

 Enjoy!

Quack!

I'm not the only one that does this, right?

You know when you go to a restaurant and get a sandwich and it comes with one of those sandwich picks? You know the little wooden one that are like a giant toothpick? Yeah, those. Aren't those things great! I don't know why but I have a strange fascination with them. I have several at home ready for crafting purposes.

And of course I have several in the car. Right in the glove box. You know, in case I run into some tiny vampires. The wooden stakes are just the right size. I'm not the only one that does that right? Right?
 
Quack!

Bugmuda Triangle

So, while all the backsplashing was going on I had the power cut to the kitchen outlets. For many years we've had a night light in the kitchen - one of those that automatically goes on when it gets dark. And for many years we've had a small pile of insects under said nightlight.

I cleaned them up of course, but there was always another one - some poor little buggy that tried to get friendly with the light and roasted himself. Bugs aren't particularly bright.

But Sunday morning I was in the kitchen. The power to the outlet was still off and the nightlight wasn't even plugged in. And yet, there was still a tiny little insect on the counter under the outlet - all six legs sticking straight up.

To think, all these years I thought it was the nightlight! And come to find out there is a tiny bermuda triangle right there on my counter. An insect graveyard. A cursed-for-insects twilight zone. Who knew?

Quack!

Green, Mossy Buttocks

The other day on our trip to a park we saw something that you don't see every day. I wrote a little haiku to go with it:

What do we have here?

Underground, sleeping ogre.

Green, mossy buttocks.

Quack!

You Can Tell It's Spring When the Dolphins Return

  The other morning I had the front door open and heard one of the sure signs that spring is coming. I heard the happy ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah of the returning dolphins. And then, as soon as I heard that I was very confused. Probably as confused as you are reading this. (What the heck is that woman talking about?!?) Dolphins? What about robins?

Then I realized it wasn't dolphins. It was just some seagulls on the neighbor's roof. For whatever reason they were speaking dolphin.

Now I'm just waiting for the robins to show their little feathered faces.

Quack!

A Rain of Soup Cans and Macaroni

Somewhere, sometime, I read that when you get into a car accident that whatever is in the car becomes a projectile capable of knocking you out or worse. So, being the good mama duck that I am I began covering the groceries in the back of the car with a blanket to prevent them from flying around should something terrible occur.

And since I started doing that many years ago I feel so much safer. Now I know that rather than being slowly stoned to death by a rain of soup cans and boxes of macaroni, I will face a quick death when the huge, blanket-covered wad of groceries hurls itself to the front of the car and buries me.

Quack!

Banana Guilt

  There is a banana on my desk. It is looking at me. I felt guilty so I didn't eat it. I had some chocolate instead.

Quack!

I Decided to Wear my Coffee Today

The title says it all. 'Nuff said.

Quack!

Our TV Is Portal To Another World

  A few weeks ago our TV died. Were sorry to see it go, but it had lived a long and fruitful life. We moved it out of the living room and it stayed in the hallway for a few days until it was laid to rest. And that TV, that had shared so much magic with us over the years, shared a final bit of magic before leaving.

You see, it was in the hallway and there was a little space behind it. Just enough space for a small cat to squeeze through. She squeezed through that space many time each day. She would squeeze through, coming out on the other side. Then she'd circle around and squeeze through again. She did this over and over.

I think she may have been expecting to come out in Narnia. And for all I know, maybe sometimes she did. There are often times when I wander around looking for the cat and she is nowhere to be found. She could very well have travelled through a portal to another world. In fact, I'm sure that's what happened. Why else would she continue to circle the TV if not for the purpose of just waiting for the exact moment when the portal was active.

Thank you TV for giving the cat something to do.

Quack!

You're Going to Hell Mom

So, the other day Sweet Pea and I were in Target looking at the snow globes. They had all sorts of sparkly, musical, pretty little scenes, from Santa and Christmas Trees to woodland critters like owls, deer and bears, to more religious themes with angels, doves, manger scenes and such. But there was one that had me puzzled for a bit until I realized it was Obi Wan Kenobi with his chocolate candy cane. He was dressed in a brown robe with a huge chocolate candy cane that was as tall as he was.

Sweet Pea kindly informed me that I was going to hell.
 
Quack!

You've Been Chosen For a Squozen!

Bam! the rainbow ram came along with us on our trip. Bam! turned out to be quite the adventurer! He even has his own song:

Bam! Bam! The rainbow ram.
Such a dare-devil ram
He likes to be squoze.

No, that's not a typ-o. He does like to be squoze. And what, pray tell, is squoze? It's the past tense of squeeze. He really enjoys a good hug! It can also be used this way - "You've been chosen for a squozen!" And when you hear that, watch out! A hug is on the way.

In any case, here are some photos of Bam! at Disney:

Heading to the boardwalk:

Bam! enjoys a nice hearty breakfast:

Bam! likes to take risks. He enjoys playing with lions:

Bam! is a huge fan of Oprah!

Bam! wants to take a ride:

Getting a better view from the trees:

Bam! loves to mountain climb:

It's always good to look cool with superstar shades!

Bam! is very friendly and makes friends easily:

Bam! checking out the view:

Bam! wants to go for a swim but is afraid his woolly coat will shrink. He also forgot his swim trunks:

So Bam! decided to get an ice cream treat instead:

And then it was time to head home. Here's Bam! at the airport:

Bam! never looks back, only ahead. Ahead to his bright and awesome future:

Bam! had a great time on is vacation! And so did we!

Quack!

Digging For Nostril Nuggets At Walt Disney World

This picture is from the Italy Epcot World Showcase. I find this picture interesting not because of the beautiful sculpture, or the scenery or the sunshine, but mostly due to the two people in the front who appear to be picking their noses. I imagine they keep a lookout for people taking photos and begin digging for nostril nuggets as soon as the cameras appear. Why, I bet there are dozens and dozens of photos from all over Disney, taken by dozens of different people, all with this same couple in it picking their noses. They are forever immortalized! If only I had thought of this sooner I too could have such a legacy!

Quack!

Fairly Mellilow

  So I'm taking a training class for work and the break room is right across the hall from the classroom. Are you with me so far?

Now, said break room has the usual coffee and unhealthy snacks. It also has a CD player and a stack of CDs. Each day it plays some innocuously mellow music. Some days that music is better than others. The other day was Etta James - that was nice. More recently it was some way-too-mellow jazzy stuff that insinuated its way into my brain crenelations like worms in rotting meat. It was very difficult to pull it out and boy did that feel gross!

But I discovered there is a step beyond way-too-mellow jazzy stuff burrowing into my brain crevasses. Behold the horror of the day prior:

It didn't start out too badly. Even I can stand very small doses of fairly mellow Barry Manilow (or Mary Banilow as I prefer to call him). But after listening to a rousing rendition of Oh Mandy, followed by the upbeat and uber-lovely - I Write the Songs and the soothing and romantic - Looks Like We Made it, it started in on Copacabana. At that point it was far far far into the 'way-too-much-mary-banilow' category. And when I found my leg starting to bounce and my body starting to sway in time to the music I decided it was just over the top too  much! It was bad enough I was being subjected to endless Barry Manilow, but another thing altogether to have my body betray me and start moving in time with the music! Traitorous!

So, I went over to the break room . . .

and . . .

I . . .



turned that CD down!


Oh, I'm sorry. Were you expecting something more. Something involving shattered CD players and CDs spinning across the break room? Some cursing of the Mary Banilow name? Sorry to disappoint you. All I did was turn it town. Not off, just down. But boy did I turn that thing down! Way down! Now-no-one-can-hear-it down. Ha ha ha ha!

And before this class is over I'm bringing in some Five Finger Death Punch or maybe All That Remains. And I'll put that in the CD player. And I'll turn it up. Way up. Muah ha ha ha ha ha.

Quack!

The Nose Flaps Are a' Flappin'

I have an electric toothbrush. It's so much fun! I got it several months ago after a suggestion from my dentist. When I use it I come away feeling so freshly scrubbed and sparkly clean.

tink! (that's the white sparkly highlight as I smile).

The only problem I have with it is that it makes my nose itch. I think it may have something to do with the size of my nose. A normal or small nose just ignores the vibration of the bristles. But when your nose is slightly larger than normal - you know, large enough to act as an umbrella for your feet - that changes the dynamic somewhat. Instead of a pleasant little vibration of the lips and gums from the rattling brush, it sends my nose flaps, my nose bristles and the very tip of my nose waggling like the tail of an excited puppy! And all that movement makes my nose itch! I can't get through a standard 2 minute brushing without stopping to rub at my nose a couple of times. It's very distracting!

But overall, it's a worthwhile investment. I've never felt so sparkly clean! I only hope all that vibration doesn't stretch out my nose parts and leave me with a nose like an old woman's drooping bosom, dangling down my face like a melting candle.

Quack!