Friday, June 18, 2010

I'm Gonna Make You an Implant You Can't Refuse

Several months ago, for some crazy, go-only-knows-why, wtf reason one of my teeth decided to commit suicide. It slowly but surely ate itself from the inside out, dissolving it's own root. Nice. Very nice. Thank you tooth. So, I had it yanked. Now my poor tooth sleeps with the fishes.

Let me tell you that was no fun. But, what's even less fun is that I decided to replace it with an implant. Expensive as all get-out, but a good idea I'm told. Sounds reasonable. But wow! I look like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. Well, half of my face anyway - the puffy, swollen, rounded, jowley-jawed, marbles in the
cheek-pouches part. Other than that I don't resemble him much - at least that's what hubby has tried to reassure me.


The dentist, when he suggested this, actually said "I'm gonna make you an implant you can't refuse. Okay? I want you to leave it all to me."

So I said, "But I need a million dollars in cash. I need all of those hygienists that you carry around in your pocket, like so many nickels and dimes."

And then I continued to tell him that I wasn't sure about the whole thing and he said, "I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Women and children can afford to be careless, but not dentists. Besides, what are you worried about? If I wanted to overcharge you you'd be broke already. Get the implant in."

The hygienist was appalled at his response and she said, "What's the matter with you? I think your brain is going soft with all that Novocaine. Never tell anyone outside the dental practice what you are thinking."

He replied, "Don't tell me you're innocent Margery (the hygienist). Because it insults my intelligence and makes me very angry."

Despite all that, I decided to have it done anyway. Once the drilling and sawing and shoving and pushing and stretching and hammering was done, I decided to take a souvenir, you know, to remember it all by. But as I was walking out the door, the dentist noticed. "Leave the drill! Take the cannoli,"  he says.

So, I didn't get to keep the drill as a souvenir. But I did get a nice cannoli. It was delicious.

(And in case you missed it, those are all (slightly modified) quotes from the Godfather movies. And no, I don't particularly like the movies, but I've seen them all because Hubbsterama is a big fan. And of course, I look like Marlon Brando from the movie so I had it on my mind. Yes. I know.)


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