Friday, January 27, 2012

Bag O' Dead Fish

We recently purchased two albino catfish - Whiskers the 2nd and Zoidberg the 2nd. The theory was that they could keep each other company. Well, that didn't work out so well. The day after we bought them, we found Whiskers the 2nd floating belly up. And since we'd only had them for less than a full day we wanted to get our money back.

I wasn't sure of the proper procedure for returning a dead fish, so I first looked at the receipt. I had 30 days from the date of purchase to return merchandise as long as it was in the original packaging and in good condition.

Hmmmm. Well, I could dig the bag we got it in out of the garbage I suppose. But it was going to be tough getting it back to original condition. I mean, how do you do mouth to mouth on a fish? Mouth to gill I suppose. But it's only a one inch fish. The attempts didn't go so well.

So next I decided to check out the website. OK. Making progress. I can return defective merchandise (and a dead fish is certainly defective). All I need to do is put it into a sealed envelope and mail it to the store along with a copy of my receipt. But as I was stuffing the fish into the envelope, I thought that maybe they didn't mean fish when they referred to 'merchandise'. I mean, the envelope was rather lumpy. And damp. And smelly.

OK, so I decided to call the store and ask what I do with a dead fish.

Just bring it back to the store, they said. And we can replace it or refund your money.

OK, great. NOW we're making progress. So I walked into the store holding the fish by the tail and, . . .

What? You think that's disgusting? Ok, so I didn't do that. But I was tempted. I put him in a sealed baggy with a little water - out of respect you know. And then the kids and I piled into the car and headed out. And of course, despite having three able bodied children with me, not one would hold onto the bag of dead fish. Ewww! Mom, that's gross!! I'm not gonna hold that!! Eeeeeewwww. Ick! Get it away from me!! 

Ugh! Are my children wimps? It's a dead fish for god's sake. I was tempted to remove it from the bag and hold it between my teeth. You know, for the shock factor, but that was a little too icky even for me. And besides, the kids probably wouldn't have been shocked anyway. Grossed out, but not shocked. And besides, I didn't really want dead fish between my teeth. And I also know how dirty that aquarium gets - I've scraped the big strings of green-black algae out of the tank more than once.

I did however hold the fish bag between my teeth. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. After all, I needed my hands to drive.

I was unusually forward for me while at the store - brandishing my bag o' dead fish and trying to get someone to help me out. I didn't want to be holding the dead fish any more than they wanted me waving it around the store. But it wasn't long before I got my money back.

In  my next post I will bore you with regale you with tales of catfish #2's fate.


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